I want to be fun again so that my friends would want to chill with me again

I so badly want to be high on MDMA all the time. 
just pop one halfway through my shift at work and then enjoy the rest of my day.  Honestly don’t even care about the  whole ‘down’  because everyday feels like a ‘down’ & i’m not even on drugs so that sucks.

I binged & all I want is for Austin to be here, get my mind off doing something i’m going to regret but he doesn’t feel comfortable coming over.
All because of my brother & probably my mother as well.
This shouldn’t be so difficult
Fucking asshole he didn’t even give me acid like he promised & everything he said to Austin was so mean.
fuck my retarded family

♋ |=T=| ∞

today was so stressful & I don’t even regret the cigarette and latte I had. I seriously needed it. Obviously Austin’s massage would have done the trick but we were downtown so yea.
What the fuck is the point of the Douglas if they’re going to put me on an 8 month waiting list?
too bad I wasn’t hospitalized before or had an attempted suicide or am even skinnier because then they’d take me in asap.
ughhhhhhhjfghrhgilwrjfljsdlfj

the hospital is going to call me tomorrow & interview me to see how bad I am & where to put me on the waiting list. im kinda stressing I weigh 110 again :c I haven’t since November. I remember I was with a couple friends, drinking at one of their houses in November & we were discussing who could get pregnant & one of them said ‘nadia could since she’s bigger’. I was so upset, they only weighed 10 lbs less than me but I am taller so from that point on I was like fuck they think i’m big too so I decided my goal would be 99lbs. On Christmas I was 100

I want to go back there I feel monstrous at 110. There’s a part of me who’s like don’t worry 110 isn’t fat ,you’re normal weight should be at 130.  Then there’s the other part of me who’s like why gain weight fat ass you’re already huge. 1 lb holds 3500 calories. I gained 10 lbs so that means I consumed 35000 calories to gain it I feel so gross. i haven’t purged in maybe 3 weeks i promised myself i won’t do it anymore because i’m losing my used to be pretty hair. idk what to do anymore

but on the plus side i applied to culinary school so hopefully i get in.
& i bought weed yay

day one without cigarettes complete

i made the wise choice to quit cigarettes and my starbucks addiction.

no mo ciggies
no mo coffee
wish me luck & 2 weeks purge free woooooooooooooo

when people are like ‘ooh I am so healthy I drink almond milk’
whattefuckever, it still won’t make up for all the other crap you consume.
my doctor said i am extremely unhealthy and need to be an inpatient, I feel as if I am healthier than most people because of my food choices. The shit people eat is disgusting. It’s shit.
unless i am just severely fucked up but idk anymore

having to gain weight is so disturbing and repulsing